Eight or Eighty

We can say with a degree of certainty that a considerable part of our energy is invested in the constant attempt, voluntary or compulsory, to satisfy or impress someone. Whether for work related reasons, where we are expected to please our bosses, superiors or decision makers; or in our domestic environment, where the perceptions of those we care about have of us, can directly influence the peace of our relationships; or even in different social settings such as our church, a club, or even when flirting with someone attractive, for one reason or another, we are always striving to make good impressions. 

However, when we do this daily effort trying to please Greeks and Trojans, whether for legitimate or imaginary reasons, we often violate, annul and hurt ourselves. And if we allow such efforts to go over some limits, we can get to the extreme of disfiguring ourselves, losing some of our identity, and most of the time, we will end up devaluing ourselves as individuals.

If we take a moment to question such situations, which often manifest themselves in not-so-obvious ways, we will come to the inevitable conclusion that most of them have their roots in some kind of unconscious fear.

Several times in Coaching sessions, when dealing with difficulties generated by some type of exacerbated anxiety or limiting insecurity, I touch on the subject of fears and the reaction is invariably the same. "I'm not afraid of anything," coachees usually answer me, seeking to demonstrate a bravery that is nothing more than pure immature pride, or even a concerning absence of self-knowledge.

The truth is that we all feel different kinds of fear, which manifest themselves wearing masks of different forms of anxiety and worry. Whether it's because the boss is a difficult person (fear of rejection and a possible loss of a job), or because parents have unrealistic expectations (fear of being insufficient and not being liked by someone so important), or because a love relationship is going through a difficult time (fear of separation and not being loved), the fear of suffering makes us change our behaviors and we seek to please and impress such people in the hope of reversing the distressing situation. And it is precisely in these moments that we end up making some poor decisions, often with long-term ramifications, that end up reorienting our lives into not intended directions. We accept situations, change plans, decline invitations and opportunities, and live long enough to regret.

As an old Buddhist maxim says, “All pain comes from the desire of not feeling pain”.

But, in the end, how can we deal with such pressures and expectations from the world around us? What can we do to satisfy them while maintaining our integrity?

Each of the situations presented above will ask for different answers. Perhaps in the professional setting we should keep in mind that work relationships based on fear will get us nowhere, and can, in the long run, cause mental and physical exhaustion that leads to illness. In the domestic and family environment, nothing replaces a good face-to-face conversation, with sincerity and assertiveness, making it clear how certain situations affect us emotionally. In social situations, perhaps we should only seek to stand out by the content of our contributions and allow them to speak for themselves. In short, in one way or another, impressing the people around us should be the natural result of our qualifications and our good intentions in the management of each type of relationship, be it professional, love related, of kinship or friendship.

But there are two "people" that we should legitimately seek to impress constantly, and these "people" are interesting variations of ourselves. Our eight-year-old and our eighty-year-old selves.

Let us briefly do this exercise.

If you could go back in time and become the child you once were, how would you see your adult self? Would that child, who had mind and heart full of pure and immaculate dreams and aspirations, look at you with pride or frustration? Would these childish eyes see in you the adult they would like to become? Or has your adult version lost the trail on some winding curve along the way?

Now let us reorient ourselves in the opposite direction. Let's move forward in time and try to see the world through the eyes of an old you, who has lived everything you had to live, and now looks at a past that brings several emotions. Looking back at this moment in his life, does this elder feel good or unimpressed? Does he remember this phase with pride or anguish? Would he secretly wish to go back in time to relive such moments, or would he prefer to forget them?

By doing such reflective exercises, it is inevitable to achieve a clearer and sharper assessment of the way we are living this specific moment of our lives. If the answers to such questions brought a happy feeling that both, the child you, and the elder you, would be happy and well impressed with the you of today, it certainly means that you are on the right track, and that there is nothing left for you to do other than to move forward. However, if the answers brought an uncomfortable and frustrating feeling, it is necessary to rethink the course. There is always time for course corrections, no matter how difficult they may be.

I suggest redoing this exercise from time to time. Maybe on New Year's Eve? On birthdays? It doesn't matter the frequency or the preferred date. What matters is that your child self and your elder self are always very impressed with your current version. And if they are, go forward resolute, because only they deserve such continuous and sincere effort on your part. Always.

And if you are already part of the select and victorious group of those who already add up to eighty springs, I hope that looking back, your trajectory will bring you tender smiles and pleasant nostalgia. You’ve already earned them.