Would you rather be right or be happy?

This experience of mine occurred long ago, maybe in 2001 or 2002, when I had just started as a manager in a large multinational company in São Paulo. It all began when, for some reason irrelevant to our topic, I felt extremely upset and frustrated with the way I had been treated by one of my superiors. We had had a heated discussion in which my arguments, very logical and well-grounded in my not so humble perception at the time, had been rejected directly and absolutely by the simple use of the highest hierarchical position of such professional. Nothing I could have said or argued would have any weight or validity. The decision was taken contrary to what I had recommended and that was it. End of the story.

I went back to my desk with smoke blowing out of my ears. I was so angry that I couldn't think of anything else. Realizing my disappointment, a director who had heard the conversation approached me and sought to calm me down. Taking advantage of that friendly pair of ears, I began complaining about the injustice and the unintelligent decision that had been taken.

_ How can they do that? Can't they see? They're wrong! They're going in the wrong direction on this! Write down what I'm telling you. And don't say I didn't warn them.

The director looked at me and calmly asked me a question that would change my life.

_ Marcos, would you rather be right, or be happy?

A little stunned, I looked at him puzzled, not understanding exactly what he meant, and asked him to repeat the question. He laughed, and realizing he was finally able to rescue me from the trance of wrath that had momentarily possessed me, he moved on to explain.

_ It’s quite simple. In many situations in life, we know in our hearts that we are right in an argument or in a discussion, but it actually doesn’t matter. In the end, many decisions are made, or many things happen for reasons outside our control. I greatly admire your passion and intensity in which you defend your points of view, but you need to develop the ability to let go of the need to be right. Even if you are, most of the time people will do what they think they should do, regardless of your opinion. To keep arguing and prolonging discussions will only bring you suffering. Wanting everything to go your way is a question of ego, you know what I mean? You've done your part. Now let it go and move on. Your life is much more than this discussion, and being unhappy about losing it, no matter the reason, is not worth it.

I must confess that for a few minutes, I rejected such advice. At that time of my life, being right and being happy were synonyms. I only felt fulfilled when I won an argument and being overcome by the simple exercise of power of a hierarchical superior deeply irritated me. But after pondering the words of that friendly mentor, I reviewed my position. He was absolutely right. It was all about ego. I needed to be right to feel good, and the two things must be absolutely disassociated, under the risk of causing us great disappointments, not only in our professional lives, but also and especially in our personal lives.   

Since then, this concept has become a kind of mantra in my life, to the point of helping me avoid almost every kind of discussion and generate an immense and desired sense of peace. And as a consequence, it has served as a platform to maintain and even strengthen professional relationships, friendships and of course, family ties. And all based on the simple principle of getting my ego out of the way.

And this is not about omitting myself or just avoid sharing my opinion. Whenever appropriate, I make my positions or points of view very clear, but I no longer have the need to prove them better or more correct than other people's opinions. If someone disagrees with me, I listen, consider, and move on, in peace with my convictions and with the people involved in such conversations.

Whenever I realize that I have been dragged into an argument because my ego is seeking reinforcement or is defensive, I try to rationalize and empathize with my "opponent" working to see the world from his point of view. Oftentimes the person involved is just trying to justify a behavior or decision made and taking away his/her reason will be somewhat humiliating and painful. In others, it is about defending an ideology or political position, and making the person involved feel mislead will mean painful revelations. Telling a friend that his favorite team is not doing well and probably will not be the champion, will not help to make him/her feel better. And in the corporate world, many decisions are made by not-so-obvious agendas, that are far from our limited reach and knowledge. Confronting them oftentimes cause discomfort that escape our understanding and can actually weigh negatively on us. Finally, in the family sphere, avoiding useless discussions with children and spouses is almost our obligation if we want to live in a true state of love and fulfilment, demanding any confrontation to be seriously rationalized and questioned before it even happens.

In the end, my dear friends, I have reached the conclusion that my priority in life is to be happy, not to prove myself right in every argument and discussion. If you have the same priority in life, follow this advice. Get your ego out of the way, apply empathy, and accept the "truths" of other people, after all, most of them (including ours) are only a matter of time and geography. When the conditions of place and time change, most of them will need to be revised since everything is relative. Accept the differences and move on. Life is so much more than winning an argument!